Healthy Relationships and Teen Dating Abuse

What Makes A Relationship Healthy?

People in healthy relationships can…

• Express feelings, wants, and needs without being judged.
• Talk about anything without fear of being hurt or put down.
• Negotiate and compromise when there is a disagreement or conflict.
• Choose and maintain their own friendships.
• Express their own opinions, even if they differ from their partner’s.
• Feel respected and treated as an equal partner.
• Feel confident with the idea that they  have a right to their own body, thoughts, opinions, and property.
• Trust that their partner will support them in their personal goals, interests, and activities.
• Choose to keep some things (passwords, thoughts, conversations with friends or family members, etc.) private without being pressured, mocked, threatened, or intimidated by their partner.
• Express and receive affection in non-threatening and non-abusive ways.
• Say no to their partner without fear.
• Support their partner in their outside pursuits and interests regardless of whether they share those interests or pursuits.
• Respect their partner when they say no to something and accept that answer without trying to pressure, coerce, guilt, or manipulate their partner into changing their mind.
• Choose to have safer sex without being accused of cheating or not trusting.
• Choose to break up with their partner without fear.

What is Dating Abuse?

Dating abuse can happen in casual or more serious relationships.  It is defined by the same pattern of manipulative and controlling behaviors that is described in other sections of this website.  Like domestic abuse, dating abuse crosses all socio-economic, ethnic, cultural, racial, and religious/faith lines and can occur in any dating relationship, regardless of a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

If you or someone you care about can answer “yes” to any of the following questions, then you might want to reach out to a trusted adult or anonymously contact Love is Respect (phone, online chat or text) for information and support.

• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Does your partner call you names, make you feel stupid, or tell you you can’t do anything right?
• Is your partner extremely jealous?  Do they accuse you of flirting or cheating or forbid you from talking to certain people?
• Does your partner tell you where to go and who you can and cannot talk to?
• Does your partner pressure you to quit activities that you care about so that the two of you can spend more time together?
• Does your partner tell you that no one else will ever go out with you?
• Do you feel cut off from family and friends or pressured to not spend time with them?
• Does your partner insist that you share your passwords and/or go through your phone/other devices?  Does your partner question your loyalty or commitment if you do not give them this information?
• Does your partner post as you on social media or answer texts sent to you on your phone?
• Does your partner insist that you respond to texts or calls immediately?
• Does your partner insist that you activate something on your phone (or car) that allows them to know where you are at all times?
• Do you feel threatened or humiliated if you say no to sex or other forms of intimacy?
• Does your partner blame you for their abusive behavior or for everything that goes wrong?
• Does your partner interfere with you being able to do your homework or keep a job?
• Does your partner make you feel like you are their property or like they have the right to tell you what to do with your body, your time, or your money?  
• Has your partner grabbed, hit, pushed, punched, held you down, strangled or kicked you?  Prevented you from leaving a space (including a car) when you wanted to go?
• Is your partner really nice sometimes and really mean at other times (almost like they have two different personalities)?
• Does your partner make frequent promises to change or say they will never hurt you again?
• Are you afraid to tell your partner that you want to pause/slow down the relationship or break up?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please know that you do not deserve to be disrespected or mistreated. You have done nothing wrong, and what is happening is not your fault.  Please consider speaking with a trusted adult or contacting loveisrespect.org to speak, chat, or text anonymously with a trained advocate. 

Deciding Whether to Stay or Break Up With an Abusive Person

• Talk to someone -- a parent, another family member, a friend, a coach, a teacher, your physician, a counselor, a clergy person, or someone else you trust.  You can also get support from Love Is Respect by calling, online chatting or texting the hotline. 

• If you decide to break up with this person and if you decide to do it in person, choose a public place like the mall or a restaurant (rather than a house or car).  Make a plan to meet friends or a family member right after you speak with the person.  Let the people you are meeting know where you will be coming from and what time to expect you.
• Give yourself some space and take care of yourself. If you can, make time for people and/or activities you enjoy and have been away from for awhile.

For Parents/Guardians: Tips For Speaking With/Supporting Children and Teens

• It is never too early to teach your children that no one has the right to tell them who they can spend time with, what they can do, or what they should wear.   You can also emphasize the fact that their body belongs to them and no one has the right to touch them or pressure them into anything without their free and enthusiastic consent.
• Speak with your children about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like (see the first section of this page for some ideas).
• Help your kids identify harmful myths in popular culture about what “true love” is.  (Think about stories/songs/videos/other media that glorify possessing another person, sacrificing everything for love, ignoring a person when they say no to something, etc.)
• If you suspect that your teen is already involved with a controlling or abusive partner…
• Let them know that you are there to support them and not to judge.  If your teenager doesn’t want to talk with you, offer to help to find another trusted person they can confide in.
• Give them a chance to talk. Listen quietly to the whole story.
• Focus on them and what they need at this moment. Avoid putting  down the abusive partner or talking about rules your teen might have broken (such as drinking or sneaking in after curfew).  Keep in mind that your teen might have broken rules in order to keep themselves from being further emotionally or physically harmed by their partner. 
• If your teen is considering breaking up with a person who acts in a controlling or abusive way…
• Support their decision and be ready to assist.  Help your teen come up with a safe break up strategy (in a public place, with a plan of where to go right afterward) and ask how you might be helpful.
• Even if you have understandably strong feelings, keep the focus on your teen.  Tell them what is happening is not their fault and that they deserve to be treated with respect.  Avoid directly putting down, insulting, or speaking ill of their partner.
• Help your teen think about what might make them safer.  You might help them think about not walking home or to other places alone or about where/with whom they will eat lunch.  You can also ask them if they want to request class schedule changes or support from someone at school in case they need to speak with someone during the day. 
• Get support for yourself!  Your local domestic abuse program and Love Is Respect (teen dating violence hotline) are here to help you think about how to best support your teen..

Source: https://eap.partners.org/relationships/intimate-partner-abuse-sexual-assault-and-trauma/?search=intimate%20partner%20abuse

How To Be A Friend To Someone Experiencing Dating Abuse

• Don’t ignore signs of controlling or abusive behavior. Talk to your friend and let them know you are concerned.
• Support, don’t judge.  Avoid asking questions that start with “why,” as those questions can feel blaming or shaming.
• Point out your friend’s strengths. Many people who are being mistreated by their partner hear a lot about what they do wrong.  You can remind your friend of some of the many reasons you admire and like them.
• Remember that many people who behave in controlling or abusive ways tell their partner where they can go and who they can hang out with.  Be patient with your friend if they frequently cancel plans at the last minute, don’t respond to texts or calls, or stop accepting invitations to hang out. 
• Encourage your friend to confide in a trusted adult. Offer to go with your friend if they would like additional support.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim’s partner. Don’t try to mediate or otherwise get involved directly.
• If you witness an assault or suspect abuse, talk to a trusted adult.
• Supporting someone you are concerned about can be very stressful.  Remember to take care of yourself, too!

**For more comprehensive information about healthy relationships, dating abuse, safety planning (including navigating social media) and other related issues, we highly suggest visiting Love is Respect.**

Resources:

Please note that not all local programs provide direct services to teen callers. However, they can help teens find support and other resources as well as offering support to adults in that teen’s life.