Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Ending a relationship with an abusive person is not simply a matter of walking out the door or telling the person they have to leave.
Deciding to leave is a process.
It can be difficult for people who have not experienced abuse to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship. The reasons for deciding whether to stay or go vary widely from person to person and often involve a complicated set of feelings and circumstances.
If you are supporting someone who is making this difficult decision, it is important to keep in mind that just because a solution seems clear to you, there may be factors that the person has not shared with you. People experiencing abuse are the experts in their own lives and in general, the most helpful thing that friends, family and community members can do is to offer support, kindness, patience and opportunities to help the person connect with domestic abuse program staff and others who can offer assistance.
Some situational reasons for staying
Some additional reasons for staying
After the relationship ends, many individuals who cause harm find ways to use the courts and legal system to continue to harass, frighten, and financially exhaust their ex-partner. Child support/other financial issues and custody are often key issues in this ongoing form of abuse. Domestic abuse programs continue to offer support to people who have left their partner, particularly as they navigate these often complex ongoing situations.
What Can You Do If You Suspect Someone You Know Is Being Mistreated?
It is not uncommon for abuse survivors to remain silent about being mistreated by their partner. Shame, fear, and being blamed or told it’s up to them to “fix” the situation are just a few of the many reasons it can be hard to talk about abuse. Both the person experiencing the harm and the person causing the harm may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that “got out of control.”
It can be challenging to identify abusive situations and know how to offer support. Since recognizing that abuse is rooted in one person’s efforts to establish and keep control over their partner, learning more about the ways that a person might gain and maintain that power is a good place to start.