Abusive individuals often work hard to cover up their behavior.  Most forms of abuse (including emotional and financial) do not leave visible marks.  Moreover, for people who live in suburban or rural communities, houses are often single-family residences with yards in-between.  That distance – combined with the fact that many people keep their windows closed for much of the year – means that neighbors may be less likely to hear one person physically assault or verbally attack their partner.  

It's also not uncommon for people living anywhere to not really have much of a relationship with most of their neighbors beyond a passing wave and quick interaction from time to time, making it less likely they would know if something private and well-hidden was happening in the house.

Because abuse is an issue of control rather than anger management, people who mistreat their partner are often skilled manipulators who take steps to ensure that they are well-liked and respected in their communities.  Some have professional or volunteer leadership positions and are active in work and civic life.  Some take advantage of the fact that having advanced degrees and becoming financially successful means that people will not suspect that they also act abusively toward their partner and will not believe their partner if they try to disclose what’s happening at home.  

Financial abuse is rooted financial control -- one person preventing their partner from accessing money or assets either at all or without permission.  That means that one person makes most or all of the financial decisions and controls most or all of the money that is spent.  A person might decide that their partner should appear publicly in a certain way to “keep up appearances” or avoid raising suspicions that there is financial – or other -- trouble at home.  Therefore it is very possible for someone who is being harmed by their partner to be wearing expensive clothes (that they possibly didn’t choose on their own) or driving an expensive car (that might not be in their name), while having to beg for money behind closed doors in order to buy things like food, a pair of shoes without holes in the soles, or basic household goods.  

Some abusive individuals also refuse to allow their partner to have their own ATM card, checkbook, credit card, Venmo account, or other way to access money, even if that person works outside of the home.  In some cases, one person might even insist that their partner’s paycheck be directly deposited into a bank account that they cannot access because it is not in their name.

There are definitely many people who are in unhappy and/or unhealthy relationships and who could potentially benefit from couples counseling.  Abuse, however, is something different.  Instead, in an abusive relationship, one person holds all or almost all of the power.  That person chooses to act the way that they do – it’s not because their partner provokes them or causes them to act abusively.  

Because the “two to tango” scenario is so common, people who decide to tell someone that they are experiencing abuse are often met with either subtle or outright skepticism or disbelief.  They are sometimes asked what they did to make their partner so mad or asked if they are perhaps exaggerating the situation or expecting too much from their partner.  They also sometimes are offered “fixes” like a makeover in hopes of looking more attractive or cooking lessons to improve their dinners or a new diet/exercise plan to change the way their body looks.  While these offers might be well-intended, they in fact actually blame the person experiencing harm and communicate the idea that if they change something about themselves, they can change their partner’s behavior and end the abuse.  That is simply not true.

Also, it is important to note that when one person is acting in an abusive way toward their partner, couples counseling is NOT advised.   It is rarely effective and often harmful and/or dangerous for the person experiencing abuse.  If a person who harms their partner is genuinely invested in change, there are programs designed specifically to support people who are willing to both recognize and take responsibility for past behavior AND work to become more respectful, non-controlling and empathetic toward their partner.

This myth is complicated because it is partially true – leaving can be extremely disruptive.  People experiencing harm often do see a loss of economic and social status after leaving an abusive partner and sometimes do have to make wrenching choices that directly affect their and their children’s lives.  That being said, minimizing the damage that abusive people cause is not helpful and conveys to people experiencing abuse that they are exaggerating the situation and also that their wants, needs and safety don’t matter.  It is possible to both acknowledge the unfairness and severity of the situation while also acknowledging that the person experiencing harm has some difficult and painful decisions – all with pros and cons -- to make.  (See the section on “What Can You Do If You Suspect Someone You Know Is Being Mistreated” for more information.)

Children often know far more than the adults in the home realize.  While they might appear to have fallen asleep, they often are listening to what is happening in the home from their beds or places like the top of the stairway.  

Moreover, even if they do not hear what happens late at night, children generally witness the abusive person’s regular put downs and insults.  They might see the non-abusive parent being openly ridiculed or told they are an inadequate (or worse) parent.  They might be aware that a parent has to beg for money for necessities or might be kept from their spiritual or religious practice.  They can sense stress/anxiety in the non-abusive parent and usually know that the whole tenor of their home is dictated by the mood and behavior of the abusive person.  Finally, children tend to be very aware that if one parent in the house is not physically and emotionally safe, the same is likely true for them as well. 

Thankfully, this is true for some people who are separating from an abusive individual.  However, it’s not always the case and people who are considering seeking a restraining order or filing for divorce have no idea how things will go in court.  Additionally, some people may be hesitant to reach out for police and judicial help for fear of appearing on a public record, having their community find out what is happening at home, having to interact with unfamiliar systems or becoming entangled in other systems such as immigration or child protective services.

Court/divorce issues also raise financial concerns.  Because they often have total control (or near total control) over money, individuals who act in abusive ways can make it hard or almost impossible for their partner to hire an attorney.  They sometimes hide, give away, or liquidate bank accounts or assets to keep their ex-partner from accessing them.  They can file motion after motion in court, forcing their ex-partner to miss school or work in order to keep returning to court and paying legal fees (if they can afford a lawyer).  And sometimes after financially ruining their partner, they can come back and try to get increased parenting time or full custody based on their partner’s unstable housing situation.

Moreover, people considering whether to file for divorce know that they don’t have a lot of control over what a judge might look at when making the decision about custody and parenting time.  Concerns about losing custody or having an abusive or neglectful parent receive substantial/overnight unsupervised parenting time are real factors for people thinking about whether or not to leave their abusive partner and seek a protective order and/or a divorce. 

For all of the reasons outlined above and many more, this is simply not true.  People who are mistreated by their partner are often forced to make impossible choices with no safe or acceptable options.  Things can really be that bad, but alternatives can feel like they are either too risky or could potentially create an even worse situation.  A person staying with a person who is harming them is not necessarily a sign that things just aren’t that bad.  It could in fact just mean that the person does not see any safer or better options than what they currently have to live with.

Getting caught in an abusive relationship has nothing to do with “being smart.”  People who harm their partner are often very skilled con-artists and manipulators.  They might make controlling actions sound loving or caring, such as offering to take over financial responsibilities at a time when their partner is particularly stressed or busy (and then not relinquishing control later on).  They might make their demands sound reasonable, such as pressuring their partner to quit activities they love or stop seeing people they care about so that the couple can have more time with each other.  

Moreover, people who cause harm also often hold off on openly aggressive or threatening behavior until a point in the relationship where it’s hard to easily walk away (such as after moving in together, buying property, getting engaged/married, having a child, or even adopting a pet).

It can be very difficult to recognize words and actions that are presented as loving and kind as actually being controlling and manipulative.  The distinction is often not intuitive or obvious.  Rather than being about a person’s intelligence, being able to recognize this kind of behavior is really about knowing what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy and knowing what to look and listen for.  This is why awareness-raising efforts in communities are so important.