Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors that one person in an intimate relationship uses to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.
You may hear many words to describe this issue, including domestic violence, intimate partner violence, intimate partner abuse, battering and others. While each of these terms has different academic meanings, our Roundtable tends to use the term domestic abuse. We find the term domestic abuse resonates most broadly, as it clearly includes both physical and other types of controlling and abusive behavior in an intimate relationship.
Domestic abuse is not limited to any specific group or groups of people. It is difficult to predict who may choose to harm their partner and who might experience harm in a relationship. There are no typical characteristics or profiles either of people who act abusively or of survivors of abuse. It is important to note that people who mistreat their partner and/or children are often very skilled at manipulation and may appear very charming and personable to everyone outside the home.
Abuse Can Take Many Different Forms
Because control – not physical violence – is at the core of an abusive relationship, abuse is not a series of isolated acts accompanied by a lot of yelling. Instead, people who have controlling or abusive partners experience different forms of their partner’s controlling behavior all day, every day.
While the tactics vary widely, individuals who act abusively often constantly find ways to make their partner feel diminished or “less than,” fearful, and hyper-focused on ensuring that the needs of the abusive individual are met (generally at the expense of the needs of everyone else in the family). The trauma that survivors of abuse experience is partly from acute moments of their partner’s abuse, but also from the ongoing and constant anxiety of trying to anticipate and meet their partner’s needs, follow arbitrary and sometimes inconsistent or unspoken rules set by their partner, and otherwise work to head off a violent and/or extended verbally abusive incident or other form of escalation in abusive behavior.
It's also important to note that not all abusive behavior sounds threatening and can in fact sometimes sound kind or loving. For example, an abusive individual might offer to take care of finances so their partner “doesn’t have to worry about that stuff” and then establish sole control over money and other assets. That person might also suggest to their partner that they quit their job or give up other things they care about in order to increase the amount of time they have together. While this might sound like it’s about enhancing family life, the abusive individual is actually more focused on disrupting their partner’s social connections and supports, as well as their ability to establish any financial independence.
There are many different ways that a controlling or abusive person can cause harm by using various tactics to gain increasing amounts of control in a relationship. These forms of abuse might be…
Possible Warning Signs of Abuse
Abuse is a 24/7 experience rather than a series of separate incidents. People who act in abusive ways generally use a variety of different tactics to gain and maintain control in a relationship. While physical and sexual abuse may happen every day or may happen more episodically (or not at all), people who are being harmed by their partner generally experience some combination of emotional, spiritual, financial and/or technology-related mistreatment on a daily or near-daily basis.
It’s also important to note that some people who have a partner who acts in controlling or abusive ways are never hit. It’s very possible to be abused by an intimate partner on an ongoing basis without ever experiencing physical or sexual violence.
Following is a list of different ways (with examples of each) that a person might behave abusively toward their partner. It’s important to note that not everyone who is harmed by their partner experiences all of these different kinds of behaviors. If your partner treats you in any of these controlling or abusive ways – or if you recognize ways that someone you are concerned about is being treated – you might want to consider reaching out to a local domestic abuse program for support and help.
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Push, slap, bite, kick, spit at or strangle you
Use a weapon against you or your children
Drive recklessly with you and/or your children
Prevent you from leaving any space when you want to go
Handle your body roughly during caregiving
Take away or restrict your access to assistive devices (wheelchair, walker, glasses, hearing aids, etc.)
Threaten to use your mental health history against you in court or medical settings
Withhold your medication or give you too much of that medication
Prevent you from accessing healthcare by refusing to give you money for co-payments, making it difficult or impossible to see a healthcare provider or taking steps to have you taken off the family’s medical insurance
Prevent you from calling 911 for law enforcement or medical attention
Interfere with your sleep
Manipulate or force you to do things you are not comfortable with
Force you to participate in strenuous activities (workouts, hikes, moving heavy items, etc.) when you don’t want to or when it is medically unsafe to do so
Interfere with your participation in a substance misuse recovery program
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Dictate what you do, whom you see, or where you go and when
Call you names, put you down, or humiliate you
Make you feel ashamed, isolated, wrong, stupid, scared, worthless, or crazy
Act jealous, accuse you unfairly of cheating, flirting, or having affairs
Threaten you or make you feel afraid
Punish you by giving you the silent treatment or withholding affection
Constantly criticize you and your children
Make you feel like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time
Blame you for everything that goes wrong
Make it hard for you to stay connected to friends or family
Make you feel guilty for spending time with someone else or on interests outside the home or relationship
Threaten to take your children from you
Throw or break objects, punch walls, kick doors or do other things intended to frighten you
Intentionally make you late or unable to get to appointments, meetings or other things in your schedule on a regular basis
Continually harass you with texts, calls, e-mails or other types of messaging
Demand immediate response to calls/messages regardless of where you are or what you’re doing
Destroy or sell your personal property (especially items with great sentimental value)
Use your immigration status or personal history against you
Insist on accompanying you to medical and other appointments or speak for you when you are asked questions
Tell you that they cannot live without you and threaten to harm themselves if you leave
Insist that you are nothing without them
Tell you that you are lucky to be in the relationship or that no one else will ever want you
Threaten to physically harm you, your children, or pets
Insist you do all housework and childcare-related tasks
Threaten to leave you if their demands are not met and their rules are not followed
Encourage your children to act disrespectfully or abusively to you
Disrespect or mistreat you in front of children
Tell you that you can try to leave but that you will never be able to get away from them
Act lovingly and apologetically after verbally or physically harming you in order to keep you hopeful that things are going to get better
Use profanity or other vulgar/upsetting language in a disrespectful or harmful way
Lie, break promises, betray trust
Play mind games, rewrite history (sometimes called gaslighting) to suit their purposes
Make light of or minimize their abusive behavior
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Take your money or make you ask or beg for money when you need it
Spend large sums of family money without talking it over with you first or refuse to let you participate in financial decisions
Refuse to add your name to the lease/mortgage, car title, bank account(s), credit card(s), or other family assets
Run up bills or make other decisions that negatively impact your credit score
Refuse to pay bills that are solely in your name
Interfere/cause problems with your ability to work or go to school
Make you account for all money you spend
Withhold money for household expenses (including rent/mortgage payments, food, personal care items, baby/child care items, utilities, clothing, etc.)
Force you to work or prevent you from working
Take out and use a credit card in your name without permission (identity theft)
Take sole control of finances
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Force or pressure you to have sex or be intimate against your will
Refuse or sabotage birth control and other methods of safer sex
Insist you do things that make you uncomfortable
Mock or insult your body; negatively compare your body to another person’s body
Insist on taking nude or semi-nude photos/videos or recording sexual activity
Share pictures or videos of you without your consent
Is rough or deliberately inflicts pain without your consent during sex
Withhold sexual intimacy as punishment
Demand sex in exchange for basic need/requests (such as money for groceries, medication, diapers, other needs)
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Threaten to reveal your sexual orientation or gender identity without your permission
Mock your accent, family or home country
Make fun of you for not having a high school diploma or college degree (or make fun of the school where your diploma or degree came from)
Prevent you from worshiping at the time when -- and in the place where – you want
Say that you aren’t practicing your religion correctly or that you belong to the wrong faith
Ignore or make fun of religious/cultural values or beliefs that are important to you
Use or threaten to report your immigration status to your employer or government officials
Interfere with faith-based rituals or practices that are important to you or keep you from a faith community you would like to be part of
Force you to practice a religion that you didn’t choose
Use religion/scriptures to justify abuse
Use racial, ethnic or gender-based slurs and stereotypes to belittle you
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Continually track your whereabouts by cell phone or other device
Go through your texts, voicemail, email, direct messages and other communications
Monitor your browser history or online activity in real time
Interrogate you about phone calls you made or ask why you spent so long on certain calls
Post as you on social media without your permission
Use an internet-connected device to alter the temperature, lighting or other aspects of your home without your permission (for example, turning on lights or the television in the middle of the night or unexpectedly making your home uncomfortably warm or cold)
Consider reaching out to a domestic abuse program or hotline if your partner treats you in any of these controlling and abusive ways. Domestic abuse programs provide both direct assistance to people experiencing abuse AND consultation for friends, family members, co-workers, community professionals, and other community members. Broadly speaking, domestic abuse programs do not require that you are in the process of leaving or have left (or are even intending to leave) in order to receive services. You can call an organization’s hotline just to talk about your situation and learn more about what kind of support they offer.
About People Who Act In Abusive Ways Toward Their Partner
Abuse is a choice. It is not an anger management issue or a problem of people who can’t control themselves, as evidenced by the fact that abuse most commonly happens in private, behind closed doors. People who use violence, manipulation, guilt and coercion choose to use abusive behaviors to get what they want, how they want it and when they want it.
It is important to note that a person of any gender might choose to harm their partner. In any intimate relationship, all forms of abuse are harmful, real and completely unacceptable.
Abusive individuals generally employ a wide variety of tactics to gain and maintain power in their relationship with their spouse or intimate partner.
Although survivors of abuse often hope their partner will change, individuals who act in controlling or abusive ways often escalate their threatening and harmful behaviors over time. In order for meaningful change to happen, the person causing harm must both be genuinely committed to accepting responsibility for their abusive behavior without blaming their partner for any of it AND be willing to enter into a relationship based on equally shared power and mutual respect for the other person.
Unfortunately, most often when people who cause harm express remorse or apologize to their partner, it turns out to be just another manipulative tactic designed to keep that person from leaving. While positive change is certainly possible, it is often only after the person who is causing the harm agrees to engage in long-term work with a local education and accountability program.