About Abuse

What Is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors that one person in an intimate relationship uses to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.

You may hear many words to describe this issue, including domestic violence, intimate partner violence, intimate partner abuse, battering and others.  While each of these terms has different academic meanings, our Roundtable tends to use the term domestic abuse.  We find the term domestic abuse resonates most broadly, as it clearly includes both physical and other types of controlling and abusive behavior in an intimate relationship.  

Domestic abuse is not limited to any specific group or groups of people.  It is difficult to predict who may choose to harm their partner and who might experience harm in a relationship.   There are no typical characteristics or profiles either of people who act abusively or of survivors of abuse. It is important to note that people who mistreat their partner and/or children are often very skilled at manipulation and may appear very charming and personable to everyone outside the home.

Abuse Can Take Many Different Forms

Because control – not physical violence – is at the core of an abusive relationship, abuse is not a series of isolated acts accompanied by a lot of yelling.  Instead, people who have controlling or abusive partners experience different forms of their partner’s controlling behavior all day, every day.  

While the tactics vary widely, individuals who act abusively often constantly find ways to make their partner feel diminished or “less than,” fearful, and hyper-focused on ensuring that the needs of the abusive individual are met (generally at the expense of the needs of everyone else in the family).  The trauma that survivors of abuse experience is partly from acute moments of their partner’s abuse, but also from the ongoing and constant anxiety of trying to anticipate and meet their partner’s needs, follow arbitrary and sometimes inconsistent or unspoken rules set by their partner, and otherwise work to head off a violent and/or extended verbally abusive incident or other form of escalation in abusive behavior.

It's also important to note that not all abusive behavior sounds threatening and can in fact sometimes sound kind or loving.  For example, an abusive individual might offer to take care of finances so their partner “doesn’t have to worry about that stuff” and then establish sole control over money and other assets.  That person might also suggest to their partner that they quit their job or give up other things they care about in order to increase the amount of time they have together.  While this might sound like it’s about enhancing family life, the abusive individual is actually more focused on disrupting their partner’s social connections and supports, as well as their ability to establish any financial independence.

There are many different ways that a controlling or abusive person can cause harm by using various tactics to gain increasing amounts of control in a relationship.  These forms of abuse might be…

  • Physical and include anything that puts a person’s or their children’s health or safety at risk
  • Emotional or verbal and include behaviors intended to frighten, shame, isolate, blame, intimidate, ignore, mock, insult or otherwise diminish a person
  • Financial and include anything that interferes with a person’s ability to equally and fairly participate in financial decisions (including accessing money or assets); make their own choices freely about work/school/job training programs; pay for necessities if money is available; control their own credit score; or trust that money, assets and items of value will not disappear from the home or the bank
  • Sexual and include forcing, coercing, or pressuring a person to engage in any unwanted sexual activity; name-calling of a sexual nature (like “whore”, “slut”, or “bitch”); making insulting comments about a person’s body; controlling or sabotaging reproductive decisions; sharing private photos or videos
  • Identity/Spiritual-Related and include using anything that is part of person’s identity against them (such as interfering with spiritual practices and beliefs, threatening to reveal someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity, or mocking a person’s accent, education level or country of origin)
  • Technology-Related and include anything that uses technology to stalk, monitor and/or harass a person 

Some Possible Warning Signs of Abuse

Abuse is a 24/7 experience rather than a series of separate incidents.  People who act in abusive ways generally use a variety of different tactics to gain and maintain control in a relationship.  While physical and sexual abuse may happen every day or may happen more episodically (or not at all), people who are being harmed by their partner generally experience some combination of emotional, spiritual, financial and/or technology-related mistreatment on a daily or near-daily basis.  

It’s also important to note that some people who have a partner who acts in controlling or abusive ways are never hit.  It’s very possible to be abused by an intimate partner on an ongoing basis without ever experiencing physical or sexual violence.

Following is a list of different ways (with examples of each) that a person might behave abusively toward their partner.  It’s important to note that not everyone who is harmed by their partner experiences all of these different kinds of behaviors.  If your partner treats you in any of these controlling or abusive ways – or if you recognize ways that someone you are concerned about is being treated – you might want to consider reaching out to a local domestic abuse program for support and help.  

Does your partner...

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

  • Dictate what you do, whom you see, or where you go and when
  • Call you names, put you down, or humiliate you
  • Make you feel ashamed, isolated, wrong, stupid, scared, worthless, or crazy
  • Act jealous, accuse you unfairly of cheating, flirting, or having affairs
  • Threaten you or make you feel afraid
  • Punish you by giving you the silent treatment or withholding affection
  • Constantly criticize you and your children
  • Make you feel like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time
  • Blame you for everything that goes wrong
  • Make it hard for you to stay connected to friends or family
  • Make you feel guilty for spending time with someone else or on interests outside the home or relationship
  • Threaten to take your children from you
  • Throw or break objects, punch walls, kick doors or do other things intended to frighten you
  • Intentionally make you late or unable to get to appointments, meetings or other things in your schedule on a regular basis
  • Continually harass you with texts, calls, e-mails or other types of messaging
  • Demand immediate response to calls/messages regardless of where you are or what you’re doing
  • Destroy or sell your personal property (especially items with great sentimental value)
  • Use your immigration status or personal history against you
  • Insist on accompanying you to medical and other appointments or speak for you when you are asked questions
  • Tell you that they cannot live without you and threaten to harm themselves if you leave
  • Insist that you are nothing without them
  • Tell you that you are lucky to be in the relationship or that no one else will ever want you
  • Threaten to physically harm you, your children, or pets
  • Insist you do all housework and childcare-related tasks
  • Threaten to leave you if their demands are not met and their rules are not followed
  • Encourage your children to act disrespectfully or abusively to you
  • Disrespect or mistreat you in front of children
  • Tell you that you can try to leave but that you will never be able to get away from them
  • Act lovingly and apologetically after verbally or physically harming you in order to keep you hopeful that things are going to get better 
  • Use profanity or other vulgar/upsetting language in a disrespectful or harmful way
  • Lie, break promises, betray trust
  • Play mind games, rewrite history (sometimes called gaslighting) to suit their purposes
  • Make light of or minimize their abusive behavior

Financial Abuse

  • Take your money or make you ask or beg for money when you need it 
  • Spend large sums of family money without talking it over with you first or refuse to let you participate in financial decisions
  • Refuse to add your name to the lease/mortgage, car title, bank account(s), credit card(s), or other family assets
  • Run up bills or make other decisions that negatively impact your credit score
  • Refuse to pay bills that are solely in your name
  • Interfere/cause problems with your ability to work or go to school
  • Make you account for all money you spend
  • Withhold money for household expenses (including rent/mortgage payments, food, personal care items, baby/child care items, utilities, clothing, etc.)
  • Force you to work or prevent you from working
  • Take out and use a credit card in your name without permission (identity theft)
  • Take sole control of finances

Physical Abuse

  • Push, slap, bite, kick, spit at or strangle you
  • Use a weapon against you or your children
  • Drive recklessly with you and/or your children 
  • Prevent you from leaving any space when you want to go
  • Handle your body roughly during caregiving
  • Take away or restrict your access to assistive devices (wheelchair, walker, glasses, hearing aids, etc.)
  • Threaten to use your mental health history against you in court or medical settings
  • Withhold your medication or give you too much of that medication
  • Prevent you from accessing healthcare by refusing to give you money for co-payments, making it difficult or impossible to see a healthcare provider or taking steps to have you taken off the family’s medical insurance 
  • Prevent you from calling 911 for law enforcement or medical attention
  • Interfere with your sleep 
  • Manipulate or force you to do things you are not comfortable with
  • Force you to participate in strenuous activities (workouts, hikes, moving heavy items, etc.) when you don’t want to or when it is medically unsafe to do so
  • Interfere with your participation in a substance misuse recovery program

Technology Related Abuse

  • Continually track your whereabouts by cell phone or other device
  • Go through your texts, voicemail, email, direct messages and other communications
  • Monitor your browser history or online activity in real time
  • Interrogate you about phone calls you made or ask why you spent so long on certain calls
  • Post as you on social media without your permission
  • Use an internet-connected device to alter the temperature, lighting or other aspects of your home without your permission (for example, turning on lights or the television in the middle of the night or unexpectedly making your home uncomfortably warm or cold) 

Sexual Abuse

  • Force or pressure you to have sex or be intimate against your will
  • Refuse or sabotage birth control and other methods of safer sex
  • Insist you do things that make you uncomfortable
  • Mock or insult your body; negatively compare your body to another person’s body
  • Insist on taking nude or semi-nude photos/videos or recording sexual activity
  • Share pictures or videos of you without your consent
  • Is rough or deliberately inflicts pain without your consent during sex
  • Withhold sexual intimacy as punishment
  • Demand sex in exchange for basic need/requests (such as money for groceries, medication, diapers, other needs)

Identity/Spiritual Abuse

  • Threaten to reveal your sexual orientation or gender identity without your permission
  • Mock your accent, family or home country
  • Make fun of you for not having a high school diploma or college degree (or make fun of the school where your diploma or degree came from)
  • Prevent you from worshiping at the time when -- and in the place where – you want 
  • Say that you aren’t practicing your religion correctly or that you belong to the wrong faith 
  • Ignore or make fun of religious/cultural values or beliefs that are important to you
  • Use or threaten to report your immigration status to your employer or government officials
  • Interfere with faith-based rituals or practices that are important to you or keep you from a faith community you would like to be part of
  • Force you to practice a religion that you didn’t choose
  • Use religion/scriptures to justify abuse
  • Use racial, ethnic or gender-based slurs and stereotypes to belittle you

Again, consider reaching out to a domestic abuse program or hotline if your partner treats you in any of these controlling and abusive ways.  Domestic abuse programs provide both direct assistance to people experiencing abuse AND consultation for friends, family members, co-workers, community professionals, and other community members.  Broadly speaking, domestic abuse programs do not require that you are in the process of leaving or have left (or are even intending to leave) in order to receive services.  You can call an organization’s hotline just to talk about your situation and learn more about what kind of support they offer.

About People Who Act In Abusive Ways Toward Their Partner

Abuse is a choice.  It is not an anger management issue or a problem of people who can’t control themselves, as evidenced by the fact that abuse most commonly happens in private, behind closed doors.  People who use violence, manipulation, guilt and coercion choose to use abusive behaviors to get what they want, how they want it and when they want it.

It is important to note that a person of any gender might choose to harm their partner.  In any intimate relationship, all forms of abuse are harmful, real and completely unacceptable.

Abusive individuals generally employ a wide variety of tactics to gain and maintain power in their relationship with their spouse or intimate partner. 

Examples of Emotional and Verbal Abuse

  • Dictates where partner can go, when they can go, and who they can go with
  • Frequently humiliates, ridicules, criticizes, and/or mocks their partner
  • Calls partner names in public and/or private spaces
  • Makes partner feel ashamed, stupid, worthless, or crazy
  • Makes partner feel like they are “walking on eggshells” 
  • Acts extremely jealous/accuses partner of flirting or cheating on them
  • Uses words and/or non-verbal communication (such as gestures or certain looks) to make their partner feel intimidated, unsafe and/or afraid 
  • Uses the silent treatment and/or withholds affection
  • Constantly criticizes/finds faults with their partner
  • Blames partner for everything that goes wrong (sometimes including the abuse itself)
  • Works to actively isolate partner from friends, family and community, making it difficult to see friends and family
  • Makes partner feel guilty spending time with people other than their partner and children
  • Threatens to get sole custody of the children or otherwise take the children away
  • Throws or breaks objects, punches walls, kicks doors or does other things intended to frighten partner
  • Deliberately makes partner late or unable to get to work, appointments, meetings, children’s activities or other commitments
  • Continually harasses partner with texts, calls, e-mails or other messages
  • Demands immediate response to calls/messages regardless of where their partner is or what they are doing
  • Destroys partner’s property (particularly items that have sentimental or other value)
  • Threatens to report partner to immigration officials if the person is vulnerable to deportation
  • Insists on accompanying partner to medical and other appointments (and possibly speaks for partner when that person is asked questions) 
  • Threatens to harm themselves if their partner leaves/tells partner they can’t live without them
  • Tells partner they are nothing without them
  • Tells partner they are lucky to be in this relationship and that no one else will want them
  • Threatens to physically harm partner, children, or pets
  • Insists partner does all housework and childcare-related tasks
  • Threatens to leave if their demands are not met and their rules are not followed
  • Encourages children to be disrespectful or otherwise abusive to partner
  • Disrespects or mistreats partner in front of children
  • Tells partner that they may try to leave the relationship, but will never get away
  • Acts loving and apologetic after episodes of verbal or physical abuse in order to keep their partner hopeful that things are going to get better 
  • Uses profanity or other vulgar/upsetting language in a disrespectful or harmful way
  • Lies, breaks promises, betrays trust
  • Plays mind games, rewrites history (sometimes called gaslighting) to suit own purposes
  • Makes light of or minimizes their own abusive behavior

Examples of Financial Abuse

  • Takes, steals or hides money, property titles, possessions
  • Makes partner ask for money, including money for groceries, transportation, and other household necessities 
  • Spends significant sums of family money without talking it over with partner or refuses to let partner participate in financial decisions
  • Misuses credit or ruins partner’s (or couple’s) credit
  • Interferes/causes problems with partner’s job, job training program, or other educational pursuits 
  • Makes partner account for and sometimes explain all money they spend (providing receipt, exact dollar amounts spent, etc.)
  • Withholds – or forces partner to barter/trade for -- money for household expenses (including rent/mortgage payments, food, personal care items, baby/child care items, utilities, clothing, etc.)
  • Forces partner to work or prevents their partner from working
  • Takes out and uses a card in their partner’s name without permission (identity theft)
  • Refuses to include partner’s name on lease/mortgage, bank account(s), credit card(s), car title, and other family assets
  • Refuses to pay bills that are solely in their partner’s name 
  • Takes sole control of finances 

Examples of Identity/Spiritual Abuse

  • Threatens to out partner/reveal their true sexual orientation or gender identity
  • Mocks partner’s accent, family, or country of origin
  • Makes fun of partner for not having a high school diploma or college degree (or make fun of the school where the degree or degree came from)
  • Prevents partner from worshiping at the time when -- and in the place where – they want 
  • Denies access to faith community or forces participation in a faith community their partner might not choose or be comfortable with
  • Tells partner that they aren’t practicing their religion correctly or that they belong to an inferior faith community 
  • Ignores or makes fun of partner’s religious/cultural values or beliefs
  • Uses or threatens to use partner’s immigration status against them/threatens to report partner’s immigration status to employer or government officials
  • Interferes with faith-based rituals or practices
  • Uses religion/scriptures to justify abuse
  • Uses racial, ethnic or gender-based slurs and stereotypes to belittle partner

 

Examples of Physical Abuse or Neglect

  • Slaps, hits, punches, pinches, bites, kicks, throws things at partner, spits at partner, etc.
  • Puts their hands on partner’s neck in a threatening way or strangles partner, even for a short time
  • Uses a weapon
  • Deliberately drives recklessly or forbids partner from wearing a seatbelt
  • Restrains partner or blocks partner from leaving a room, car or other space
  • Handles partner’s body roughly during caregiving
  • Takes away or restricts partner’s access to assistive devices (wheelchair, walker, glasses, hearing aids, etc.)
  • Threatens to use partner’s mental health history against them in court or medical settings
  • Deliberately gives partner too much or too little medication
  • Blocks partner’s access to healthcare, medication, and/or health insurance
  • Refuses to pay medical bills or co-payments
  • Blocks partner from calling 911 or other response in an emergency situation
  • Prevents or interferes with partner being able to eat or sleep
  • Manipulates or forces partner to do things they are not comfortable with or find too strenuous (such as workouts, long hikes, or other activities)
  • Interferes with partner’s participation in a substance misuse recovery program

Examples of Sexual Abuse

  • Forces or coerces sex, sexual intimacy or uncomfortable sexual behavior
  • Controls reproductive choices, including sabotaging or refusing to use birth control and other methods of safer sex 
  • Insists partner does things that make them uncomfortable or that they don’t want to do
  • Makes demeaning, mocking, and/or derogatory remarks about partner’s intimate body parts or partner’s sexuality
  • Insists on taking nude or semi-nude photos/videos or recording sexual activity
  • Shares pictures or videos of partner without their free and unpressured consent
  • Is rough or deliberately inflicts pain without partner’s consent during sex 
  • Refuses affection or sexual intimacy as punishment
  • Demands sex in exchange for basic need/requests (such as money for groceries, medication, diapers, other needs)

Examples of Technology Related Abuse

  • Uses GPS and other location tracking devices, spyware, hidden computer monitoring, etc. to monitor partner’s communication, whereabouts and activities
  • Monitors/questions partner’s phone calls/messages, email, texts, and social media messages and content
  • Monitors partner’s browser history or online activity in real time
  • Checks cell phone history regularly
  •  Interrogates partner about content and length of various phone calls 
  • Posts as partner on social media without unpressured permission
  • Uses an internet-connected device to alter the temperature, lighting or other aspects of partner’s home without their unpressured permission (for example, turning on lights or the television in the middle of the night or unexpectedly making your home uncomfortably warm or cold)

Although survivors of abuse often hope their partner will change, individuals who act in controlling or abusive ways often escalate their threatening and harmful behaviors over time.  In order for meaningful change to happen, the person causing harm must both be genuinely committed to accepting responsibility for their abusive behavior without blaming their partner for any of it AND be willing to enter into a relationship based on equally shared power and mutual respect for the other person.  

Unfortunately, most often when people who cause harm express remorse or apologize to their partner, it turns out to be just another manipulative tactic designed to keep that person from leaving.  While positive change is certainly possible, it is often only after the person who is causing the harm agrees to engage in long-term work with a local education and accountability program.

National ResourcesIntimate Partner Abuse Education Programs