Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

Ending a relationship with an abusive person is not simply a matter of walking out the door or telling the person they have to leave.

Deciding to leave is a process.

It can be difficult for people who have not experienced abuse to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship.  The reasons for deciding whether to stay or go vary widely from person to person and often involve a complicated set of feelings and circumstances.  

If you are supporting someone who is making this difficult decision, it is important to keep in mind that just because a solution seems clear to you, there may be factors that the person has not shared with you.  People experiencing abuse are the experts in their own lives and in general, the most helpful thing that friends, family and community members can do is to offer support, kindness, patience and opportunities to help the person connect with domestic abuse program staff and others who can offer assistance.  

Some situational reasons for staying

  • economic dependence/other financial reasons
  • fear (for physical safety and concern that partner will carry out some of their other threats)
  • concern about emotional damage to the children over the loss of a parent, even if that parent acts in abusive ways
  • fear of losing custody of the children or having a judge allow the parent who causes harm to be alone and unsupervised with the children
  • fear of devastating financial loss
  • lack of job skills
  • lack of information about free and confidential local support 
  • concern about potential interaction with law enforcement, court and other systems
  • lack of alternative housing options/not wanting to remove children from current school
  • fear that the partner who acts abusively will reveal confidential information, spread lies or tell friends/family members things that are not true or are private
  • childcare issues 
  • cultural or religious constraints
  • fear that their partner will unfairly use mental health history against them in court or with family
  • disability/caregiving issues
  • immigration status

Some additional reasons for staying

  • isolation/lack of emotional support
  • feeling responsible for the abuse 
  • guilt 
  • love/attachment to the partner
  • fear of making major life changes
  • feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped
  • concern about never having another relationship
  • feeling safer knowing where their partner is each day
  • commitment to keeping the family intact
  • belief that they are the only one who can help the abusive person with their problems (and so are responsible for that person’s wellbeing)
  • belief that the partner who is causing harm will change
After the relationship ends, many individuals who cause harm find ways to use the courts and legal system to continue to harass, frighten, and financially exhaust their ex-partner.  Child support/other financial issues and custody are often key issues in this ongoing form of abuse.  Domestic abuse programs continue to offer support to people who have left their partner, particularly as they navigate these often complex ongoing situations. 

What Can You Do If You Suspect Someone You Know Is Being Mistreated?

It is not uncommon for abuse survivors to remain silent about being mistreated by their partner.   Shame, fear, and being blamed or told it’s up to them to “fix” the situation are just a few of the many reasons it can be hard to talk about abuse.  Both the person experiencing the harm and the person causing the harm may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that “got out of control.”

It can be challenging to identify abusive situations and know how to offer support.  Since recognizing that abuse is rooted in one person’s efforts to establish and keep control over their partner, learning more about the ways that a person might gain and maintain that power is a good place to start.

If there is someone in your life that you are concerned about, there are some things that you can consider doing...

  • Talk to the person you think might be experiencing abuse, but only when their partner is not around. Approach the issue in a non-blaming, non-judgmental, and understanding way. Tell the person you believe them, they’re not alone and that there are many people in similar situations.
  • Let them know that you are concerned about them.  If the person does not respond or minimizes your concern, respect it in the moment. You have opened the door to the conversation and might be able to circle back at a later date if the person seems more open to talking at a different time.
  • Ask what would be helpful or feel most supportive.  The person experiencing abuse is in the best position to judge their needs, especially from a safety standpoint. 
  • Listen without judging or telling the person what to do.
  • Use supportive language.
  • Avoid asking questions that start with “why.”  These can feel blaming even if they aren’t intended to sound that way.  Use more neutral language like, “Tell me more about that.”
  • Focus on the person you are concerned about.  Avoid saying bad things about their partner, even if that person has caused harm.  You can, however, name the controlling or abusive behaviors and tell the person they do not deserve to be treated that way. 
  • Many people who have a partner who causes harm constantly hear nasty, ugly, negative feedback from that person.  You can be a positive voice in their life, letting them know what you like or admire about them, why you like to spend time with them, what you think their strengths are and so on.  
  • Don’t lament that the person got involved with someone who mistreats them. This can sound like you are blaming the person you are trying to support.
  • Don’t say, “I would leave the relationship if I was in your situation” or other things that imply you know the situation better than the person you are supporting or that the person is wrong for staying.
  • Remind the person that they deserve to be happy and treated respectfully in their relationship.
  • Be patient. You may feel that you know what the person should do, but it’s important to respect and listen to the person’s assessment of what the right thing for them to do at any given time might be.  And remember that these decisions might change over time. 
    • Stay in their life by being supportive and by creating a safe space for them to talk about the situation.
      • Provide the person with resource information like the number of a local domestic abuse program. If the person’s partner monitors their phone or checks the bill to see what numbers have been called, offer a phone, a private space and childcare (if needed and if you are able).
      • Keep in mind the fact that you don’t have to know everything or have all the answers!  Contact your local domestic abuse program to get support for yourself as you are supporting the person you care about.
      • Know that it’s also okay for you to take a step back if you are starting to feel like you are having the same conversation over and over.  You can let the person know that you are there for them and will help them with what they need, but that you also need to take a break from the conversation from time to time.  Talking about a concerning or scary situation repeatedly can be exhausting, and you should remember to take good care of yourself as well.