About People Who Act In Abusive Ways Toward Their Partner

Abuse is a choice. It is not an anger management issue or a problem of people who can’t control themselves, as evidenced by the fact that abuse most commonly happens in private, behind closed doors. People who use violence, manipulation, guilt and coercion choose to use abusive behaviors to get what they want, how they want it and when they want it.

It is important to note that a person of any gender might choose to harm their partner. In any intimate relationship, all forms of abuse are harmful, real and completely unacceptable.

Abusive individuals generally employ a wide variety of tactics to gain and maintain power in their relationship with their spouse or intimate partner.

Examples of Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Dictates where partner can go, when they can go, and who they can go with
Frequently humiliates, ridicules, criticizes, and/or mocks their partner
Calls partner names in public and/or private spaces
Makes partner feel ashamed, stupid, worthless, or crazy
Makes partner feel like they are “walking on eggshells”
Acts extremely jealous/accuses partner of flirting or cheating on them
Uses words and/or non-verbal communication (such as gestures or certain looks) to make their partner feel intimidated, unsafe and/or afraid
Uses the silent treatment and/or withholds affection
Constantly criticizes/finds faults with their partner
Blames partner for everything that goes wrong (sometimes including the abuse itself)
Works to actively isolate partner from friends, family and community, making it difficult to see friends and family
Makes partner feel guilty spending time with people other than their partner and children
Threatens to get sole custody of the children or otherwise take the children away
Throws or breaks objects, punches walls, kicks doors or does other things intended to frighten partner
Deliberately makes partner late or unable to get to work, appointments, meetings, children’s activities or other commitments
Continually harasses partner with texts, calls, e-mails or other messages
Demands immediate response to calls/messages regardless of where their partner is or what they are doing
Destroys partner’s property (particularly items that have sentimental or other value)
Threatens to report partner to immigration officials if the person is vulnerable to deportation
Insists on accompanying partner to medical and other appointments (and possibly speaks for partner when that person is asked questions)
Threatens to harm themselves if their partner leaves/tells partner they can’t live without them
Tells partner they are nothing without them
Tells partner they are lucky to be in this relationship and that no one else will want them
Threatens to physically harm partner, children, or pets
Insists partner does all housework and childcare-related tasks
Threatens to leave if their demands are not met and their rules are not followed
Encourages children to be disrespectful or otherwise abusive to partner
Disrespects or mistreats partner in front of children
Tells partner that they may try to leave the relationship, but will never get away
Acts loving and apologetic after episodes of verbal or physical abuse in order to keep their partner hopeful that things are going to get better
Uses profanity or other vulgar/upsetting language in a disrespectful or harmful way
Lies, breaks promises, betrays trust
Plays mind games, rewrites history (sometimes called gaslighting) to suit own purposes
Makes light of or minimizes their own abusive behavior

Examples of Financial Abuse

Takes, steals or hides money, property titles, possessions
Makes partner ask for money, including money for groceries, transportation, and other household necessities
Spends significant sums of family money without talking it over with partner or refuses to let partner participate in financial decisions
Misuses credit or ruins partner’s (or couple’s) credit
Interferes/causes problems with partner’s job, job training program, or other educational pursuits
Makes partner account for and sometimes explain all money they spend (providing receipt, exact dollar amounts spent, etc.)
Withholds – or forces partner to barter/trade for -- money for household expenses (including rent/mortgage payments, food, personal care items, baby/child care items, utilities, clothing, etc.)
Forces partner to work or prevents their partner from working
Takes out and uses a card in their partner’s name without permission (identity theft)
Refuses to include partner’s name on lease/mortgage, bank account(s), credit card(s), car title, and other family assets
Refuses to pay bills that are solely in their partner’s name
Takes sole control of finances

Examples of Identity/Spiritual Abuse

Threatens to out partner/reveal their true sexual orientation or gender identity
Mocks partner’s accent, family, or country of origin
Makes fun of partner for not having a high school diploma or college degree (or make fun of the school where the degree or degree came from)
Prevents partner from worshiping at the time when -- and in the place where – they want
Denies access to faith community or forces participation in a faith community their partner might not choose or be comfortable with
Tells partner that they aren’t practicing their religion correctly or that they belong to an inferior faith community
Ignores or makes fun of partner’s religious/cultural values or beliefs
Uses or threatens to use partner’s immigration status against them/threatens to report partner’s immigration status to employer or government officials
Interferes with faith-based rituals or practices
Uses religion/scriptures to justify abuse
Uses racial, ethnic or gender-based slurs and stereotypes to belittle partner

Examples of Physical Abuse or Neglect

Slaps, hits, punches, pinches, bites, kicks, throws things at partner, spits at partner, etc.
Puts their hands on partner’s neck in a threatening way or strangles partner, even for a short time
Uses a weapon
Deliberately drives recklessly or forbids partner from wearing a seatbelt
Restrains partner or blocks partner from leaving a room, car or other space
Handles partner’s body roughly during caregiving
Takes away or restricts partner’s access to assistive devices (wheelchair, walker, glasses, hearing aids, etc.)
Threatens to use partner’s mental health history against them in court or medical settings
Deliberately gives partner too much or too little medication
Blocks partner’s access to healthcare, medication, and/or health insurance
Refuses to pay medical bills or co-payments
Blocks partner from calling 911 or other response in an emergency situation
Prevents or interferes with partner being able to eat or sleep
Manipulates or forces partner to do things they are not comfortable with or find too strenuous (such as workouts, long hikes, or other activities)
Interferes with partner’s participation in a substance misuse recovery program

Examples of Sexual Abuse

Forces or coerces sex, sexual intimacy or uncomfortable sexual behavior
Controls reproductive choices, including sabotaging or refusing to use birth control and other methods of safer sex
Insists partner does things that make them uncomfortable or that they don’t want to do
Makes demeaning, mocking, and/or derogatory remarks about partner’s intimate body parts or partner’s sexuality
Insists on taking nude or semi-nude photos/videos or recording sexual activity
Shares pictures or videos of partner without their free and unpressured consent
Is rough or deliberately inflicts pain without partner’s consent during sex
Refuses affection or sexual intimacy as punishment
Demands sex in exchange for basic need/requests (such as money for groceries, medication, diapers, other needs)

Examples of Technology Related Abuse

Uses GPS and other location tracking devices, spyware, hidden computer monitoring, etc. to monitor partner’s communication, whereabouts and activities
Monitors/questions partner’s phone calls/messages, email, texts, and social media messages and content
Monitors partner’s browser history or online activity in real time
Checks cell phone history regularly
Interrogates partner about content and length of various phone calls
Posts as partner on social media without unpressured permission
Uses an internet-connected device to alter the temperature, lighting or other aspects of partner’s home without their unpressured permission (for example, turning on lights or the television in the middle of the night or unexpectedly making your home uncomfortably warm or cold)

Although survivors of abuse often hope their partner will change, individuals who act in controlling or abusive ways often escalate their threatening and harmful behaviors over time. In order for meaningful change to happen, the person causing harm must both be genuinely committed to accepting responsibility for their abusive behavior without blaming their partner for any of it AND be willing to enter into a relationship based on equally shared power and mutual respect for the other person.

Unfortunately, most often when people who cause harm express remorse or apologize to their partner, it turns out to be just another manipulative tactic designed to keep that person from leaving. While positive change is certainly possible, it is often only after the person who is causing the harm agrees to engage in long-term work with a local education and accountability program.