What Can You Do If You Suspect Someone You Know Is Being Mistreated?
It is not uncommon for abuse survivors to remain silent about being mistreated by their partner. Shame, fear, and being blamed or told it’s up to them to “fix” the situation are just a few of the many reasons it can be hard to talk about abuse. Both the person experiencing the harm and the person causing the harm may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that “got out of control.”
It can be challenging to identify abusive situations and know how to offer support. Since recognizing that abuse is rooted in one person’s efforts to establish and keep control over their partner, learning more about the ways that a person might gain and maintain that power is a good place to start.
If there is someone in your life that you are concerned about, there are some things that you can consider doing...
- Talk to the person you think might be experiencing abuse, but only when their partner is not around. Approach the issue in a non-blaming, non-judgmental, and understanding way. Tell the person you believe them, they’re not alone and that there are many people in similar situations.
- Let them know that you are concerned about them. If the person does not respond or minimizes your concern, respect it in the moment. You have opened the door to the conversation and might be able to circle back at a later date if the person seems more open to talking at a different time.
- Ask what would be helpful or feel most supportive. The person experiencing abuse is in the best position to judge their needs, especially from a safety standpoint.
- Listen without judging or telling the person what to do.
- Use supportive language.
- Avoid asking questions that start with “why.” These can feel blaming even if they aren’t intended to sound that way. Use more neutral language like, “Tell me more about that.”
- Focus on the person you are concerned about. Avoid saying bad things about their partner, even if that person has caused harm. You can, however, name the controlling or abusive behaviors and tell the person they do not deserve to be treated that way.
- Many people who have a partner who causes harm constantly hear nasty, ugly, negative feedback from that person. You can be a positive voice in their life, letting them know what you like or admire about them, why you like to spend time with them, what you think their strengths are and so on.
- Don’t lament that the person got involved with someone who mistreats them. This can sound like you are blaming the person you are trying to support.
- Don’t say, “I would leave the relationship if I was in your situation” or other things that imply you know the situation better than the person you are supporting or that the person is wrong for staying.
- Remind the person that they deserve to be happy and treated respectfully in their relationship.
- Be patient. You may feel that you know what the person should do, but it’s important to respect and listen to the person’s assessment of what the right thing for them to do at any given time might be. And remember that these decisions might change over time.
- Stay in their life by being supportive and by creating a safe space for them to talk about the situation.
- Provide the person with resource information like the number of a local domestic abuse program. If the person’s partner monitors their phone or checks the bill to see what numbers have been called, offer a phone, a private space and childcare (if needed and if you are able).
- Keep in mind the fact that you don’t have to know everything or have all the answers! Contact your local domestic abuse program to get support for yourself as you are supporting the person you care about.
- Know that it’s also okay for you to take a step back if you are starting to feel like you are having the same conversation over and over. You can let the person know that you are there for them and will help them with what they need, but that you also need to take a break from the conversation from time to time. Talking about a concerning or scary situation repeatedly can be exhausting, and you should remember to take good care of yourself as well.